Supportive Women

I apologize in advance to my friends who are grammar fiends. This post is more about what is going through my head rather than properly constructing a sentence.

Today I had the pleasure of attending a MOPS meeting. If you think this means we cleaned the floors...I guess you don't know about this amazing international group for Mothers of Preschoolers. I had the opportunity to share my pain and healing journey with them today regarding, well...I'm not sure what to call it. In my head I refer to it as my year of crap (YOC). Mainly because that's how it felt, crap on top of crap that I had to process and mourn and grow-up. Both grandmothers dying, cancer in the family, new pregnancy, depression, friend groups changing, missing so many family functions because of so many circumstances.

It was God's timing for sure that this meeting fell 3 years and 1 day after the miscarriage that started off my YOC. I shared with these ladies how I experienced a miscarriage when my husband was away on a youth retreat. I shared the details I was ashamed of. I shared my tears and pain. They listened, they prayed, they really cared. Then they shared hope. They helped me process.

I have healed a great deal from my YOC, but there are always things popping up to remind me. There's shame that I've come so far in my mourning. I feel sometimes that I am doing a disservice to the memories of those I lost to have come so far. I know this is not true but I feel guilty sometimes remember how deep my sadness was and how that has turned.

I've had a great deal of support these past 3 years from friends and family. From the friend who sat with me basically until my husband came home from the retreat but held me up far after he was home, to the members of my church who prayed over me, to strangers who listened as I cried over my children in the grocery store. I've had my family to grieve with and share memories. My children have grown in so many ways and my marriage has been tested and strengthened.

All this is to say, Thank you ladies, thank you. Thank you for letting me go first and share my story with you.

Homemade Greek Yogurt

Hi everyone, sorry for the long hiatus, but what are you going to do when the kids...are kids? :)

Anyway, I've had some requests from people in my circles to share my yogurt technique. I use technique rather than recipe because it's more about how you put the ingredients together than the ingredients themselves.

I started making yogurt because we were spending $11 a week on yogurt! That's $44 a month... I'm just too cheap to let that be in my budget. So I asked my mom about making yogurt because I remembered she used to make it when I was younger. She said it was easy but you have to get a few elements right for a good result. So I started my adventure and haven't looked back.

Now I make the same amount for at most $5 a week. That's less than half and leaves more wiggle room in my food budget. Ok, onto the technique.

I'm apologizing in advance for the flexible amounts and times in my descriptions. This really is the way I make yogurt and it changes slightly from time to time but all the ranges I give, I have gotten wonderful yogurt. Also, I know that many reading this know how to cook, but for clarity I will give an exhaustive list of equipment so you are well prepared for each step.

A note on starter: yogurt is made from good bacteria processing the milk. When you see "live and active cultures" on the label, that means those good bacteria are in there. I've noticed a difference in using only starters that contain milk and live and active cultures yields the best results. Sometimes there are additives like sugar, gelatin, and emulsifiers in store-bought yogurt that might impede the process. Also, not all plain yogurt tastes the same. We discovered that Fage brand 2% Greek plain yogurt was what our family preferred. You can either use a single serving tub of your choice of plain yogurt or 1 cup of any plain yogurt, even what's left from a previous batch. Try out a few or just pick out one and give this a go. 

Last warning: This may seem time intensive but honestly it's just a few quick interactions separated by some long wait times. I start heating the milk at 9 am, start cooling it before lunch, add starter after lunch and let it sit til the next morning around 7 am, and then strain it. Some days it's delayed so I just take it out later the next morning.

Feel free to comment or email me crimsoncinder@gmail.com with any questions or to share your success!

 So here we go.

Homemade Greek Yogurt

Ingredients
-1 gallon milk (I use whole but any cows milk will work)
-6-8 oz plain yogurt (I use Fage brand 2% Greek plain yogurt single serving or 1 cup of yogurt from a previous batch)

Equipment
-6 quart crockpot
-Instant-read Thermometer
-Sink of cold water/ice bath
-Oven set to 110 degrees Fahrenheit, or just a cold oven with the light on, this will keep the oven at the perfect incubation temperature
-Flour sack cloth or clean smooth cotton cloth
-Colander
-Large bowl
-Small bowl
-Whisk
-Large Spoon/Spatula

Steps
1. Pour 1 gallon of milk into crockpot set to high. Stir occasionally and heat covered until temperature reads 180-185 degrees Fahrenheit. This takes my crockpot about 3 hours but yours could take as little as 1.5 hours. The important thing is this is a gradual process, heating too quickly will result in a grainy texture.

2. Remove stoneware insert and place in ice bath sink uncovered until temperature reads 110 (I bring it out if its 115 or lower) This may seem weird to heat up then reduce the temperature but its to denatures the whey protein in the milk, making it active. You will not get a high quality or quantity yield without this step.

3. Remove stoneware from sink.

4. Remove 3-4 cups of 110 degree milk from insert and add plain yogurt starter.

5. Whisk gently until smooth. Pour mixture back into insert. Stir gently to combine.

6. Cover and place in 110 degree oven (or oven with the light on) for 12-18 hours.

7. Remove yogurt from oven and pour into flour sack lined colander that is fit inside a large bowl. This will strain out liquid and give a thicker, Greek yogurt. Without straining, you have just plain yogurt. Feel free to just stir and put in an airtight container if you wish at this point. Otherwise strain for anywhere from 1-3 hours, depending on your desired thickness.

8. Remove Greek yogurt from cloth and store in airtight container for up to two weeks. I use a spoon or spatula to scrap the yogurt that clings to the cloth.

9. Enjoy with add-ins or plain.

Updates to Share

Hi everyone! I had a great time at Holiday on 44th. So many people, so many smiles, and so much Christmas.

I had a profitable time, but, honestly it was fun even when people weren't buying anything. I loved talking with the kids that came by, sharing the joy of making, and just being jolly with those celebrating.

I now have items on my Etsy site. I'm also still up for custom orders.

I do have a disclaimer, I can't get anything else made by Christmas, so if it's in stock, I can get it to you, if not, you'll have to be patient til the new year.

I love seeing people enjoying the things I make and thank each and every one of you who has supported my journey in crafting.

Enjoy Life,

Cindy

Starting to take the Plunge

I have done a few craft shows in the past, but haven't taken them very seriously or have been helping someone else with theirs.

This coming Friday, December 2nd, it's my turn, I'm jumping in, making it a priority. I've planned out, made, and fixed up my old displays.

I'll be at Holiday on 44th craft show in the gym at Patrick Henry High School from 6 pm to 9 pm this Friday. Please come out and buy my stuff...that's not desperate sounding, right?

I have my Preston crochet baskets, Christmas ornaments, magnets, wood lawn games, and small wood trucks. All these are great for gifts, and I do custom work as well if you're looking for something that can wait til after the holidays.

I'm so nervous.

I make things because I love to and because I love seeing people take joy or find function in something I've made.

I can tell that I have alot of uphill work ahead. From maneuvering small business accounting, to networking as an introvert (people can be exhausting), and throwing in family life with growing kids, I'm trusting in God to show me daily where to focus my energy.

I can tell you this, I'm EXCITED to walk out, shoulders back, and jump into this handmade business.

I'm going to be posting more this week about what to expect at my booth. See you there!

Trading One for Another

I've just come from a week at the beach. I'm both loving and loathing being back in Minnesota. Loving, because I'm home and can get back into my normal rhythm. Loathing, because I have so much less help with my energetic toddler and scooting baby.

Keeping up with these two is sometimes difficult. Especially when I know I need to take care of myself, too. I've shared my struggle with self-care here before. I still struggle but am learning the value. I'm loving the fact that our garden is coming in and we can already enjoy fresher than fresh produce. RADISHES!!! This is the only time I eat them. When our garden is bursting with red orbs hidden in the dirt, and crowned with greens. We used to enjoy these spicy treats then merely put the tops in the compost bin. WHAT A WASTE!!!

This may seem like an extreme reaction but hear me out. Since I've had to cut back on sweets and make better food choices, it's hard to have food treats. But I've discovered a new one and am beyond excited.

Have I hyped this enough? OK, here it is, Radish Top Pesto! No kidding, its...NOM NOM NOM.

In a food processor (Thanks, Mom and Dad for mine at Christmas), blitz 2-3 cups of tops (I used the amount I had from 8-9 radishes), garlic, EVOO, and lemon juice until a paste forms. Add a bit of sugar (the tops can be bitter without it), pine nuts, Parmesan cheese, salt and pepper and pulse to combine. So easy, it took me about 10 minutes. I had to stop right then and there and enjoy a piece of toast topped with this wonderfulness. (For full recipe go to this website, I wouldn't change a thing so I don't feel comfortable copying it here, definitely want to give them the credit since I just did what they said.)

So this is where I am. Trading cookies and milk for salad and pesto. Candy for fruit, and binge eating for calling a friend. It's a daily struggle and some days are successes and others are less successful. I'm thankful God loves me no matter what.

God Loves You

Enjoy Life

An Open Letter to Curtis Stone, My "Take Home Chef"

Dear Curtis,

I want to begin by thanking you. Because of you, I have some great memories. I'll explain but I have to set the stage.

I was a sophomore in college in 2007 and had a bad breakup with my first boyfriend. It was spring break, but instead of going somewhere warm with a group of friends, I ventured to Michigan to spend ten days with my grandma. My grandpa had died years earlier so it was just the two of us in her house.

This amazing woman was just who I needed to spend time with. She, without saying "It'll be OK," showed me I would be OK. She took me to get my hair done, took me to restaurants, tended to me I wasn't feeling well, and taught me to cook a few things.

You're probably wondering, what does this have to do with me?

Well, this is when we got hooked on "Take Home Chef." We watched you meet people in the grocery store and make food for them every day I was there. This is when we stopped going out to eat and started cooking together.

We giggled and dreamed about if you somehow would be in our local Meijer and choose us to cook for. We knew this wouldn't happen but it didn't stop us from going to the grocery store for the most mundane items, in in case.

Because of you and that show, my grandma and I shared something that was only us. You were the catalyst to bond us together and heal a young heart.

I went back to school, grew up a bit, found the love of my life and now have my own strong family.

Now you're probably wondering why this memory is coming back almost ten years later. My dear grandma passed away July 2015. Only 12 days after my second son, her third great-grandbaby was born.

Now, 9 months later, I'm to the point in my grief where I'm able to unpack my memories. That's when I looked back and realized you were a thread through the past decade of my memories with my grandma.

These precious memories I'm holding so dear right now in my grief. Thank you for doing "Take Home Chef." Thank you for inspiring us to cook for each other. Thank you for being a string tied to a memory of comfort and caring.

Bless you in your life. Thank you for blessing mine.

Cindy

Early Morning, Early Spring

I wrote this March 28, 2016 and meant to post it sooner but this has been the first time Ive had a chance.

The quietness of a morning. Something I rarely experience. Today is early spring. One of the first days in the year where the sun streams through my windows noticeably earlier than any other in my recent memory. Frost still bites the shingles of our garage and the grass of our yard, but it losing strength. Delicately strong buts are on every branch in our neighbor's tree in vibrant red and on our lilac in bright green. Sleepy clouds sail past in a periwinkle sky. Birds are chirping and replace my alarm.

Early morning in early spring. Just a small moment, but such a beautiful one.

I could ruin it with focusing on how dirty the windows are, or how our yard looks like the Clammpett's from Beverly Hillbillies in places. I could say snow is probably coming or that this just means allergies are going to get bad.

Not right now. I'm choosing in this rare still and quiet moment, when I'm alone in my kitchen, to breathe in the beauty I used to just pass by. because it's fleeting and fast. If I don't take it in now, I never can.

Be mindful today of the beauty around you.

God Loves You

Enjoy Life

Cindy

Summer Sun Tea

Summer time is here, or at least I wish.

Whenever we get a few sunny days, I crave summer. I want fresh sun-warmed tomatoes, salads with shaved radish and carrots from our garden. Burgers on the grill that we enjoy at our patio table.

Spring is peeking around the last corner of winter, warming the sun spots in my yard. But here in Minnesota, we're farther than I'd like until summer food and fun becomes a daily reality. SO I have a few coping strategies to help my summer deprived self wait out the weather.

The one I'll tell you about today is Sun Tea. Basically summer captured in a jar. I remember coming home from school late in the year, when we were all itching for school to be over, to a jar set out by my dad. The sun shining through the amber liquid just seemed to whisper...I'm almost here, trust I'm coming ~Summer.

Now you have to have a sunny day to make it, which is why I don't have any pictures of a finished product. The tug-of-war between warm and cold has shifted again with flurries in our forecast.

It's an easy recipe- put water, tea bags, sugar, and lemon in your preferred proportions in a clear jar or clear covered pitcher and let the sun warm the water and brew the tea. (Remember sugar+lemon+water=lemonade so put more sugar and lemon and you're making an Arnold Palmer! Yum!)

You do have to be careful with leaving it out too long if there's sugar in it.** (I'm mainly saying this as a legal disclaimer that if you leave it out for a LONG time, like days, please don't sue me for getting sick off of it :D )** I think you'll be hard pressed to wait out the anticipation for four hours because this is so good you'll want it asap.

I like putting black tea along with a fruity herbal tea so I get the strong color and taste but the lightness of the herbal tea.

Find a sunny spot and let it sit there for a few hours. Four hours normally does quite nicely, on a hot day it may be finished even quicker. I have a stone patio that gets marvelously warm in the sun so I put it there to make the process faster.

Also, add vodka, sparkling wine, or other alcohol after it is finished and you have a fun summer cocktail.

This easy, fun treat will have you pulling up a lounge chair in anticipation of summer as you sip it in delight.

God Love You

Enjoy Life

-----

Summer Sun Tea

1/2 cup sugar
3 tea bags (vary type of tea to create your own blend)
2 Tablespoons lemon juice (I'll use a sliced lemon if I have one)
1/2 gallon water (or enough to fill the container)

Set out in the sun...for a while (4 hours is fine)
After the tea has brewed, the sugar might not have dissolved, but a quick shake or stir should take care of that.

Facing a Change

Taking time for myself has always been hard. When I was younger and lived with my parents and siblings, I didn't feel like I could ask to do things because there were so many of us. I am the middle of five and when I stared being the age when activities ramp up, my older sisters were in college and my youngest brother was a toddler. My parents both worked at the college my sisters attended and we had built a new house. Money wasn't tight, but it wasn't free flowing either. I learned quickly to limit the things I asked for because not everything was going to be funded.

Then, as always, I went to an extreme. I, for some reason, decided to not make my parents spend any money on me. I had only a small scope of the expenses they incurred. I did not account for water, insurance, or electricity to name a few. I did make sure to not to ask for special snacks, gadgets, clothes, or extracurricular activities. If I did have to have them spend money, I got things on clearance and did the minimum activities possible.

This did more to make me dislike sports because of refusing to get the proper equipment or doing things where I would have to buy equipment. I missed out on fun optional field trips because i didn't want to burden them more. None of this was supported by my parents. when they found out what I was doing, they sat me down and let me know it was actually causing burdens, on them and me, by trying not to be a burden (my paraphrase of the conversation).

In college, my school came first. I rarely did things to make me happy. Normally my choices were fueled by either how it impacted my grades or by why I thought others would see and how they would judge me.

I started telling myself the lie that if everyone was happy, I wouldn't need to look after myself.

I'm realizing now as time has flown at breakneck speed, valuing myself and keeping my spiritual, emotional, and physical health a priority are my biggest weaknesses.

I want to change that.

I want, for the sake of all the people I love, to be healthy. Not bowing to what I think people think of me, but working out myself with fear and trembling in the lap of my loving Savior. If he  has valued me, I have to value me. He deserves seeing me , his child, thriving in the life he gave me.

So I choose to run, literally I've started running. I choose to make what I enjoy making without the anxiety of, "will people buy it?" clouding my mind. I choose to eat when my body needs nutrients, an cry and laugh when I need to. I choose to make things I enjoy, because God made me to make. I choose to be who he has made me in the life he has given me.

Beautiful Bread

Our family is a bread family. We just are, there's bread and butter at the table nearly every night. We love great bread.

Even more so, I've come to love baking our bread. I used to shy away from a loaf bread because I could never get it to rise correctly. It would be either flat and dense or too light to stand up to sandwich use. I was ready to throw in the towel, then I stumbled across the Easy French Bread recipe in my More With Less cookbook. I started out making it as written in french loaves but soon realized I could replace our store bought sandwich bread with this easy bread. 

I experimented, never truly failing because we ate all the bread (even though one batch I made into breadcrumbs and croutons). After making a few changes to the recipe, this is what I've come to. Please try my recipe but feel free to make your own substitutions, that's half the fun:

8 cups flour (all purpose is fine but bread flour makes a huge difference in the elasticity of the dough since it has more protein)

1/8 cup (2 Tablespoons) dry yeast (I buy a 2 pound package for $5 at Sam's Club and we use that up in about 2 years. You can also just use two of the square packets of yeast)

1/8 cup (2 Tablespoons) liquid fat (I use olive oil but you can use any liquid fat like melted coconut oil or butter, it will change the taste slightly)

1/8 cup (2 Tablespoons) sugar (I use honey, but all that's important is that there is sugar to feed the yeast and make a nice fluffy bread) 

2 1/2 cups whey drained from making Greek yogurt (Yes, I make my own yogurt. Yes, I will be writing about it later. Yes, I understand almost no one has this lying around the house.)

OR 2 1/2 cups filtered water* (Filtering water removes the chlorine in city water which can kill the yeast)

Combine flour, yeast, oil, and honey in an electric mixer equipped with a dough hook. Turn on to speed setting just above lowest Stir setting (on mine this is #2)

Slowly pour whey (or water) as the mixer is going and let it knead the dough until nothing is sticking to the sides (about 5 min)

Take dough out of bowl and spray bowl with cooking spray. Replace dough and spray the top with cooking oil. 

Cover with a cloth and let rise for 1 1/2 hours in a warm place. 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Punch down (really more like a poke is fine) and divide into 2 or 3 sections. 

These sections normally pan out for us (haha, pan pun intentional) perfectly in 2 regular loaves that peek out over the edge of the pan and a pizza crust; or two large loaves that pop up over, sometimes overflowing the pan, if you forget about them...not that I've ever done that.

When oven is preheated, put sections of dough into greased loaf pans. 

Bake for 35 minutes** until golden brown and hollow sounding when you thump the top of the loaf. 

Remove from pan and allow to cool on wire rack

The heel of a fresh baked loaf of bread that has been slathered in butter is ecstasy; so please, take this chance to enjoy this delicacy with gusto. 

God Loves You

Enjoy Life

-Cindy

*adjust baking time to 30 min

** If using water, baking time will be shorter

My Vault of Memories

My mammaw has been on my mind alot since she passed away almost a year ago.

She comes to mind when I see my sons interacting. She would love to see them, and she would tell us how they remind her of my dad and my uncle. She didn't get to meet my youngest but I know she would tell me to bring him over to her and let her "give him some sugar" (pronounced soo-ga and followed by kisses all over his face.

Oh how I miss her. But I've been realizing I've missed her for longer than the year she's been with her Lord and Savior. Over the past several years, her health had declined and she was different than I remember.

I remember her cooking for us and the laugh that followed something we said. I miss her hands, nimble and quick, playing her guitar or patting her knee in time with the music. I miss going to the thrift store and to yard sales with her. She would pray before we went, and would find such great things there.

I miss how she was with my pappaw. I miss that they went to church and sat next to each other in the same spot every Sunday. When he died in 1999, she changed - or maybe it was just the first time I remember seeing her sad.

Some days I want to go back to when I was 8, when we lived close to them and visited often. When they took us places and let us eat pizza while watching Cartoon Network. When I didn't know about death and pain. When my biggest worry was how to decide what to play with after I was done with schoolwork.

I know I can't go back and I know the reunion in heaven will be much better than any of my memories. However, I'm enjoying remembering the time and carefully folding each one up and tucking it back into my vault.

After all, living in the past would mean we never moved from Washington, DC to Ohio. It would mean I wouldn't have my youngest brother. It would mean I never looked at schools in Chicago. It would mean all those friends I've made in all the places I've lived wouldn't be in my life. Lastly, it would mean I wouldn't have my husband or my children.

I would miss out on more than I would gain by living in the past. This is why I treasure my vault of memories that I can go to again and again. I can enjoy my present, adding to my vault. The future is to give me hope of more and better things and for the reunion in Heaven.

Accidental Quinoa and Oat Granola

I make granola weekly because it's one of the only things my 2 1/2 year old son will eat. A normal batch is 1/2 cup molasses, 1/2 cup canola oil, and 4 cups of rolled oats. I whisk the oil and molasses together until uniform and then stir in the oats. I spread this out onto a greased baker's half sheet and bake for 30 min at 325 degrees, stirring halfway through.

For the past few weeks, I've tried making a double batch in order to save some work. I can't help but chuckle at this right now and you'll see why in a bit. So back to the idea of saving work with a double batch. It hasn't worked the past few weeks because my husband just has a bigger bowl at breakfast.

I still hope for a week off so this morning I started with a double batch in mind. In goes 1 cup oil, then 1 cup molasses (measuring the oil in the cup first then reusing it to measure the molasses makes it come out cleanly). I whisk it together then head to the pantry for the oatmeal.

Low and behold, we're almost out of rolled oats and I have no where close to the 8 cups needed. Panicking a smidge while rummaging through the shelves, I find 4 packets of instant oatmeal, 2/3 cup red quinoa, and 1 1/2 cup steel cut oats. Still not enough for a normal ratio of coating to crunch, but it will have to do.

I stir all of this in and spread it over a greased baker's half sheet.
Then cross my fingers and hope it will be good enough for tomorrow's breakfast.
15 minutes pass, I stir the granola and flatten it back out. Mind you it's bubbling around the edges because there's too much coating, but ... whatever.

Then it's time to bring it out. It's making "giant crumbs" as my son calls them as I scrape it off the pan, but it's taking forever to cool. My curiosity about the taste overrides my fear of burning my tongue and I take a bite. It's surprisingly hearty and very good! I kinda wanted to eat it all then and there.

...

This should be where my story ends. Happy with my ingenuity in solving an issue and creating a new favorite whilst winning Super Mommy points to top it all. But...no... I decide to push it. I put the granola away warm, so I can ensure some "giant crumbs" stay intact for my son.

Later in the afternoon, I can't resist and want a bowl. Nothing shakes out...it has turned into ONE GIANT CRUMB!! I hurriedly try to shake the container to break it up, turning it...upside down.

This is when some of you would be yelling at the screen, "NO...DON'T!!"

I swear I saw it happen in slow motion. The lid let loose and half of the full container comes out in scattering pieces all over my kitchen (I just found more on top of my fridge). I am able to slam it down so the other half, still one big crumb, stays in the container. I step back and my son sums it up nicely, "You made a big mess!" I love that kid and am so thankful for his comic relief.

You can see now why I chuckled in the beginning about my motive to save myself some work. As I swept the floor and wiped the counters, I wish a moral deeper than this came to me: Laugh at yourself...cause if you don't you might be taking yourself too seriously!

GOD LOVES YOU

ENJOY LIFE
-Cindy

-----------

Accidental Quinoa and Oat Granola

1 cup oil

1 cup molasses (1/2 cup of both of these will probably be fine)

2 cups rolled oats

1 1/2 cups steel cut oats

4 packets instant oatmeal

2/3 cups red quinoa

Whisk oil and molasses until uniform and stir in grains until coated. 

Spread over a greased half baker's sheet and bake at 325 degrees for 30-35 min, stirring after 15 minutes to avoid burning.

After removing from oven stir granola to loosen from pan. 

LET COOL COMPLETELY

Break into pieces and store in air tight container. 

Enjoy!

2015, a hard year

As I sit and contemplate all that has happened this past year, I realize I’m extremely blessed. I always knew that God was in the little things but this year they have been what I have clung to as my world felt lifted up and left to free fall. I started out 2015 knowing another little one (Paul, born July 10, is such a joy to us) would join our family but terrified that I would miscarry again (Baby Gillespie left us in October 2014). Then cancer came in waves to both sides of my family. My grandmother (my mom’s mom) was given 6 months to a year after an extremely aggressive form of brain cancer was diagnosed. At the same time, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. Within a week after all this news came, my Mammaw (my dad’s mom) came down with pneumonia and was not looking like she was going to bounce back. In my own body, depression and hormones were feeding the fear. I was slowly losing while depression was quickly winning the war in my mind, slowly eeking into my heart. As Mammaw lost the fight but joined our Savior in heaven in March, our family transitioned into our most challenging year of our lives. I almost dreaded talking to my family for fear of new bad news. Our baby continued to grow and develop inside me. Winter broke and turned to spring. I was struggling with depression even with the change in weather and had trouble finding happy moments, even with a bouncy toddler and a supportive and loving husband. We knew we would miss Caleb’s sister’s wedding and many family gatherings because of the baby’s timing. Grandma Jane’s condition was deteriorating but she said she had unfinished business, she had to meet her grandson. My mother-in-law was getting treatments and responding well to chemo. 

We met summer with projects for home and yard, a few too many for both of our tastes but all were soon eclipsed on July 10^th (eight days early) when Paul joined us. Caleb had biked to work so the call to come home at noon got us to the hospital at 3 pm and Paul was born at 5:07 pm. He was the turning point in our year. We knew he would be. Grandma Jane went into hospice but was able to hear Paul over the phone and see pictures of him from the hospital. Even though she had trouble finding words (a new normal since her diagnosis), she smiled and said, “Baby, baby, baby.” Less than a week later, she was in her eternal home. We finally got to see family as they came to meet Paul. Fall quickly passed and our children grew. Our family was cancer free when my mother-in-law finished up her surgeries and is recovering well. We visited family before Thanksgiving and now at Christmas.

I look back on this year and see God in all of it, calling to me, “cling to me, you are mine, I’m with you.” Just like he has my entire life, he kept me in palm of his hand. These aren’t clichés to me. These are truths that comfort me.

Now I’m seeing him point me back to work on my desire for a creative business, to make, because my creator created me to create. I miss my Grandma Jane and my Mammaw…more than words can express fully. I love my family and the support they give me, even if it’s accompanied by new wrinkles and some eye rolls. Thanks to anyone who has played a role in my year. I hope that 2016 is not as difficult but is full of growth in God’s plan. 

Motherhood Makes Time Fly

Last week, I was looking at my blog to find something I wrote. I thought it would be only a few months back but when I looked at the post, it was 9 months ago!

Why is it that my brain seems to have skipped over almost a year? I do look back and realize a lot went on, but I remember feeling time pass more slowly. I remember getting to the end of a school year and feeling like I'd lived through a lifetime.

Now, every day seems long, until nap time then it flies :). I see my son growing into a little boy and get glimpses of the man he will be.

I pray that God shows me what moments to embrace and remember and what ones I can let go.

What I want for my son

Today concluded a short Bible study on conversations you should have with your son.

While I can't actually have a conversation with my son, even though he's starting to mimic sounds :), my husband and I should get our game plan together because those opportunities will come all too quickly.

Teaching my son to be a godly man is a very daunting task. I know that I have great examples to follow and wonderful resources all around me. While making the most of these opportunities, I'm planning to prepare for those times coming around the bend where teaching my son what God wants from him and how he can please God will be possible.

My example won't be a direct showing of how a godly man behaves because ...well... I'm not a man. But I can take it as a teachable time to show my son what a godly woman looks like and how strong she can be. He hopefully will see that relying on God for identity and purpose is what makes true beauty.

I'm a ways from being confident in that truth. I hope that I see the ways that God is giving me the wisdom and the confidence to teach my son by example about all that God has for him, because He is the only one who wants more for my son than my husband or I do.

Supermom VS. The Fear of Mediocrity

As I'm now in the beginning of my journey as a mom, I'm fighting an old fight that has been with me for almost as long as I can remember. This struggle became glaringly apparent in college as I pursued a degree in architecture.

One day at a desk critique, my professor tells me if I don't start trying harder I'm only going to ever be mediocre. He went on to explain my designs were average at best. The whole time I was choking back tears. My professors had over the years made it clear that these critiques were about our work, not about us, so not to take what is said personally.

I know and have told myself he was trying to motivate me with these words, but these words have hurt me and are still affecting me. Even six years later, I'm scared of being mediocre, not adding anything original or worthwhile to the world.

I admit that the base reason I gave up on my pursuit of becoming a licensed architect is because of this fear. This conversation with my professor did not plant this seed of fear in me, it mainly amplified it to the point where I could not ignore it or live in bliss of ignorance I had lived in before.  My idealistic views of my future were shattered that day and were not repaired as my college years in the program went on.

Going to college, I was under the illusion that I would go to school and learn how to take my field by storm. This was partly naiveté, on my part. I did not do enough research ahead of time to make sure I was making an appropriate career path choice.

With this naiveté and fly by the seat of my pants mentality, I was setting myself up for a brick wall collision somewhere along the way. I'm surprised it took until the end of Sophomore year!

I tried harder, but soon realized I was at my peak far behind my classmates. With a shortage of jobs because of a collapse in the housing and building market, I found I could not compete for the few jobs available because of the nagging reminders that I wasn't good enough or trying hard enough.

Soon, I was exhausted. Between the strenuous hours of studio work, my graduation date rushing towards me, and the hunt for a job, I was barely sleeping and stressed to the max. All the while, I was terrified of mediocrity. I was tired of not making a mark on the people around me.

I was struggling to see my purpose.

Realizing I'd have to move in with parents after graduation because of a lack of a job, I knew that was the end to my architectural pursuits. They lived in an area with even fewer architecture job opportunities than where my school was! The job market everywhere was flooded with more experienced candidates and time passing only meant more recent graduates would be coming on the scene as well. I knew I couldn't compete. Maybe it was the voice in my head saying, you're just mediocre, maybe it was reality finally hitting that this was not my skill set.

Either way, I gave up, got three part-time jobs since my school loans were coming due and tried to distract myself from my classmates getting internships and returning to school for their masters degree. I wanted to go back to be with friends but knew the course load would be too much for me.

That time after graduation wasn't all bad. Because of living closer to my family and my boyfriend, I was able to reinvest in those relationships I had neglected. My boyfriend became my husband, and my family became friends on a new level. So many blessing came from being home for those two years after graduation.

Now with life settling after marriage, a move across three states, and a baby, I've been able to process all these changes in a new light and realize the fear of mediocrity has followed me. It's been with me well before my sophomore year of college, and is still hard to shake.

Today, aspirations of being a "Supermom" seem to be my way of battling my fear of mediocrity. I must excel at what I do to battle that broken record in my head telling me I'll never be more than average.

I've found that record plays louder when I'm in a spiritual desert. When I'm not relying on God, I seem to let my thoughts of self doubt play louder.

The more time in this desert, the more ways my thoughts bring out my insecurities.

I find myself in a new spiritual desert now as I'm battling exhaustion, sleep deprivation, separation from family, endless household tasks, all while trying to embrace my changing child and keep my marriage strong.

As much as I hated hearing her say this over and over when I was younger, I find the words of my mother entering my thoughts: Your identity is in Christ as a child of God. Remember whose you are.

I obviously have failed Christ in many ways as anyone has. HE, however, has extended grace so that even if I am average or mediocre at best:

HE still died for me!

HE still provided a way of salvation for me.

HE still loves me and pursues me to be closer to HIM!

The Myth of Supermom

There once was a woman who had several children and provided for all of them without her sparkling smile leaving her face. While preparing her daily organic gourmet meals and perfect chocolate chip cookies (just in time for her children coming home from school) her apron cinched her waist while displaying her symmetrical form. Even though her body looks effortlessly flawless, she'll let you know her daily runs are the true reason for her slender form--that and her eight glasses of water a day as well as all the fruits and veggies she snacks on. She never passes on a bake sale but never over indulges on any treat.

You never see her sweat. She could run a marathon or face a firing squad without a hair falling out of place.

Her children are so well behaved, they could teach finishing school and their idea of rebellion is vacuuming the carpet in diagonal strokes.

Her wardrobe reflects current fashion without making her look like she's trying too hard or trying to hide her true age.

Her hair is coiffed in a style that is effortless but stylish and flattering.

Unrealistic as it seems, she never needs help, never takes a break, never waivers in her convictions or loyalties  She's caring, compassionate, vivacious, energetic, Perfect!

She exposes all your insecurities in blinding light. Everything you struggle with she masters with ease and excels through any turbulence.

She turns you into a green-eyed monster.

She's Supermom! (queue the brass band and the fireworks announcing her arrival)
She can't be real...oh, wait, she's not...she's a myth.

Yes, there are real women who seem super human in the mom department, but they are an exception. Even those who exceed common conceptions of motherhood, fail in other areas.

I've aspired to be the mythical supermom, and even my short experience has shown failures to live up to those mythical expectations.

If we as mothers are setting ourselves up for failure by believing this myth of motherhood is ideal, what image of motherhood should we embrace rather than this myth?

I'm going to be working through different areas of the Supermom Myth in coming posts. If you have stories or insights
, please share as this is a complicated issue. There are the pressures from society, from yourself, from family. Some are valid, some are not. I am personally working through my idea of the mom I want to be and this will be one of my outlets to sort this out.

First Solo Canning Experience: Lemon Honey Marmalade

Today, I'm writing about the success of my FIRST canning endeavor. My mom and sister have set a tradition in my family of canning every harvest, mainly tomatoes or salsa. I decided to bite the bullet and try my hand at it. 

Armed with the book, Food in Jars, I started on the recipe for Lemon Honey Marmalade. Aldi had lemons for 20 cents a piece so I bought $4 worth and a whole jar of clover honey ($3.79). I also had to pick up some cheese cloth since the recipe uses the lemon seeds as the pectin source. 

I had to cut up the lemons by topping and tailing them, removing the seeds and cutting them into 1/4 inch wedges. This took about an hour and I was very thankful I didn't have any cuts on my fingers because all the lemon juice. 

After the lemons were sliced and put in a large pot, I bundled up the seeds in the cheese cloth and stuck it in the pot as well. I brought it to a boil and then lowered the temperature to just a simmer, keeping it on the stove for an hour. *Just a note, I love having a gas stove because it's so easy to adjust the heat*

After the hour, I turned off the burner and let the whole mixture sit out, covered, overnight. 

The next day, with a caldron sized pot of water on the stove next to the pot of lemons (I took out the lemon bundle and discarded it), I started to mix and prepare the lemons, juice, sugar, and honey into a sloppy mess. After I thought the mixture had cooked enough, I decided to put it into the jars and proceed with a water bath. 

I had prepared four pint jars in the hot water, but to my surprise, there was more marmalade left over. I didn't want to waste this mixture I had worked so hard for so I processed those four pints, and brought the lemon mixture back to a simmer so that it wouldn't set up. After the water bath for those four jars was finished, I processed four half-pint jars and filled those (so this recipe produced MUCH more than it said it would).  


When all the jars were processed, I realized they were sloopy and sloshy. So, according to the recipe, I waited an hour and checked back...still sloopy and sloshy. I guess I didn't need to worry about the mixture setting in the pot. I wanted to cry...two days of work and it wasn't setting into a nice chunky marmalade. 

Rather than throwing in the towel, I just waited overnight. Thankfully, the half-pint jars (the marmalade I put in those jars had cooked longer than the first set of jars) had set up. I was hopeful that the first set had cooked through enough to eventually set. 

After about a week, the marmalade didn't slide to one side of the jar if I tilted it so I realized I could do this! I could can like my mom and my sister and preserve yummy food I made!

My husband really enjoys this tart and soothing marmalade mixed with greek yogurt or on toast. I am really excited for when the weather turns cooler so that I can have a hot cup of tea with an english muffin slathered with this wonderful treat!

When All I Do Is Laundry

Between our new adventure of being parents and still figuring out my talents, my stage of life seems to contain load after load of laundry.

Cloth diapering produces a small load every other day. Then there is normally dirty baby linens and clothing which makes another load every other day. That does not include the three to four loads weekly of sheets, towels, and clothing my husband and I make.

I've gone from a carefree outlook on laundry where I only have one type of detergent and generic dryer sheets to now evaluating each load for it's specific needs. This could include an extra rinse cycle for the cloth diapers. Or what if our little bundle of joy spits up on my favorite shirt? Well, that's when the OxyClean comes into play, both powder and stain removing spray. Then the question of Dreft vs another detergent or maybe bleach?

The dryer had quickly become an elite club where diaper covers, biking jerseys, jeans, and sometimes pre-fold diapers are no longer welcome.  They have collectively joined together to take up prime real estate in my home on a drying rack.

Even though my laundry baskets are rarely empty now, I've come to terms with the fact that more and more of my time is going to be occupied by sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting away laundry.

Take my word for it, I'm not super happy about being elbows deep in dirty clothing or constantly asking my husband to help me put yet another load of laundry away, but this increase in domestic responsibility can be "blamed" on one little guy, my son.

I'd do laundry 24 hours a day if it meant my son is in my life. I love him more than free time, more than a lower water bill, more than getting enough sleep. It's only 19 days that's he's been here and all I want is more! All I want is to hold him and see him discover, see him grow, see him change. If that means more laundry, BRING IT ON!!

First Buttercream and non-mix Cake

I never realized that when people said, "oh it's just a cake mix, no biggie," that there was any other option other than a mix.

I love cake, but I'm ashamed to say it took me a quarter of a century to make a cake without using a mix.

With friends and family that seem to bake as if they were born with a whisk in their hand, I knew this would change but was scared to try anything.

I found the following recipe on Pinterest: Sweet Potato Layer Cake with Molasses Buttercream

This was so easy to follow. The instructions were clear and with my limited baking experience, I was still able to have success. I still need to work on my icing techniques but the taste is amazing.

As I've mentioned before, my husband's sweet tooth is not as intense as mine, but he fully enjoyed the molasses paired with the sweet potato cake. I personally had to stop eating the frosting plain, or with strawberries, and with the cake itself because I would have made myself sick it was so delicious!!!

Now with my confidence, and sugar high, fed a bit, I want to try more! Now I just need more occasions or people to bake for!