As I sit and contemplate all that has happened this past
year, I realize I’m extremely blessed. I always knew that God was in the little
things but this year they have been what I have clung to as my world felt
lifted up and left to free fall. I started out 2015 knowing another little one
(Paul, born July 10, is such a joy to us) would join our family but terrified
that I would miscarry again (Baby Gillespie left us in October 2014). Then
cancer came in waves to both sides of my family. My grandmother (my mom’s mom)
was given 6 months to a year after an extremely aggressive form of brain cancer
was diagnosed. At the same time, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast
cancer. Within a week after all this news came, my Mammaw (my dad’s mom) came
down with pneumonia and was not looking like she was going to bounce back. In
my own body, depression and hormones were feeding the fear. I was slowly losing
while depression was quickly winning the war in my mind, slowly eeking into my
heart. As Mammaw lost the fight but joined our Savior in heaven in March, our
family transitioned into our most challenging year of our lives. I almost
dreaded talking to my family for fear of new bad news. Our baby continued to
grow and develop inside me. Winter broke and turned to spring. I was struggling
with depression even with the change in weather and had trouble finding happy
moments, even with a bouncy toddler and a supportive and loving husband. We
knew we would miss Caleb’s sister’s wedding and many family gatherings because
of the baby’s timing. Grandma Jane’s condition was deteriorating but she said
she had unfinished business, she had to meet her grandson. My mother-in-law was
getting treatments and responding well to chemo.
We met summer with projects
for home and yard, a few too many for both of our tastes but all were soon
eclipsed on July 10th (eight days early) when Paul joined us. Caleb
had biked to work so the call to come home at noon got us to the hospital at
3 pm and Paul was born at 5:07 pm. He was the turning point in our year. We knew
he would be. Grandma Jane went into hospice but was able to hear Paul over the
phone and see pictures of him from the hospital. Even though she had trouble
finding words (a new normal since her diagnosis), she smiled and said, “Baby,
baby, baby.” Less than a week later, she was in her eternal home. We finally
got to see family as they came to meet Paul. Fall quickly passed and our
children grew. Our family was cancer free when my mother-in-law finished up her
surgeries and is recovering well. We visited family before Thanksgiving and now
at Christmas.
I look back on this year and see God in all of it, calling
to me, “cling to me, you are mine, I’m with you.” Just like he has my entire
life, he kept me in palm of his hand. These aren’t clichés to me. These are
truths that comfort me.
Now I’m seeing him point me back to work on my desire for a
creative business, to make, because my creator created me to create. I miss my
Grandma Jane and my Mammaw…more than words can express fully. I love my family
and the support they give me, even if it’s accompanied by new wrinkles and some
eye rolls. Thanks to anyone who has played a role in my year. I hope that 2016
is not as difficult but is full of growth in God’s plan.
