My mammaw has been on my mind alot since she passed away almost a year ago.
She comes to mind when I see my sons interacting. She would love to see them, and she would tell us how they remind her of my dad and my uncle. She didn't get to meet my youngest but I know she would tell me to bring him over to her and let her "give him some sugar" (pronounced soo-ga and followed by kisses all over his face.
Oh how I miss her. But I've been realizing I've missed her for longer than the year she's been with her Lord and Savior. Over the past several years, her health had declined and she was different than I remember.
I remember her cooking for us and the laugh that followed something we said. I miss her hands, nimble and quick, playing her guitar or patting her knee in time with the music. I miss going to the thrift store and to yard sales with her. She would pray before we went, and would find such great things there.
I miss how she was with my pappaw. I miss that they went to church and sat next to each other in the same spot every Sunday. When he died in 1999, she changed - or maybe it was just the first time I remember seeing her sad.
Some days I want to go back to when I was 8, when we lived close to them and visited often. When they took us places and let us eat pizza while watching Cartoon Network. When I didn't know about death and pain. When my biggest worry was how to decide what to play with after I was done with schoolwork.
I know I can't go back and I know the reunion in heaven will be much better than any of my memories. However, I'm enjoying remembering the time and carefully folding each one up and tucking it back into my vault.
After all, living in the past would mean we never moved from Washington, DC to Ohio. It would mean I wouldn't have my youngest brother. It would mean I never looked at schools in Chicago. It would mean all those friends I've made in all the places I've lived wouldn't be in my life. Lastly, it would mean I wouldn't have my husband or my children.
I would miss out on more than I would gain by living in the past. This is why I treasure my vault of memories that I can go to again and again. I can enjoy my present, adding to my vault. The future is to give me hope of more and better things and for the reunion in Heaven.