Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Grinch before Christmas

Take it from me, sometimes lessons come where you don't want them to. Contemplating the holiday season had filled me with such joy in past years, but this year it's giving me indigestion.

People have told me, "life goes by fast,'' "time flies," "enjoy the small moments because they don't last." I'm hating that advice right now because I'm finding this holiday season hard to embrace. 

We're planning to travel for Christmas and even though I'm beyond excited to see family, I'm nervous and overwhelmed with the ideas of the holidays coming again. 

I want to make the most out of this time. I want to be like the commercials with great decorations, gourmet meals, festive snacks, great outfits that are new and stylish, and of course everything in it's place with no loose ends to be seen. 

As I look around my house I see how far this dream is from my current reality. I think my anxiousness comes from the idea that I'm not feeling the holiday spirit yet. While I want to get all into the happy-go-lucky festivities, I know I would be a grinch in a caroler mask. 

I can guarantee I will have presents for everyone and there will be food that will be delicious, but that doesn't really make a holiday great. My family is so far away and this is the first year that we will not be all together as both a brother and a sister can't make it to Christmas. 

Everything just feels so new. So foreign. Last year should have felt like this. Last year we were in a new place and everything was different. Suddenly, I realize that the difference with this year to last comes when I think about years in the not so distant future and no knowing what will happen. Since we will have a child next Christmas, will we make the 12 hour drive to the grandparents? Will we make it to a family Thanksgiving? And if not next year, then when, if ever?

Knowing it's the last year before we have to make some really hard decisions makes this feel like it has to be extra meaningful to make up for the future. THAT CAN'T HAPPEN! No matter how great this year is or isn't, I can't count on it to get me through rough years in the future because they will come with their own relief. So how I embrace the Spirit of Holidays before they pass me by?

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